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Unable to forget

9/28/2013

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No matter what I do, I can't ever forget that I have Stage IV cancer.  Yes, I can push it aside at times, but the reality permeates much of my thoughts, both waking and sleeping.  While the "jerking-awake-what-have-I-forgotten" moments are fewer, I still have them.  Last week, I literally found myself sitting up in bed, groping at my neck, thinking, "I was supposed to put something on my neck that would heal my cancer and I didn't do it!  What was it?  Where is it?"  I then woke up.  There was nothing I was supposed to have on my neck, but my mind plays games with me.

My appointment last week went well.  There's no new news.  My tumor markers are still rising, although, they seem to have slowed down.  The next test will show if this is a new trend or not.  

The physical side effects of my new treatment are diminishing.  At the beginning, I had quite a bit of joint pain, headaches and extreme insomnia.  All of those are pretty much gone now.

Anxiety has taken their place.  I'm not normally an anxious person, so this feeling on edge all the time is quite new for me.  Increased anxiety is not only a known side effect of the treatment, it's also a known side effect for living under constant stress.

Like it or not, cheerful or not, accepting or not, my mind and body lives with the stark reality that I'm dying at a faster rate than the average person.  Yes, we're all dying and we could all be hit by a bus tomorrow.  For some reason, that fact doesn't really seem to stress most people.  However, living with a terminal disease brings every living moment into a focus that is so sharp that it can hurt at times. 

My body is in constant survival mode, similar to war situations.  It is biologically under assault and the battle is taking its toll.  It's clear where the term "battle against cancer' comes from, although I still beg of people to not use that term around me.  While there is a physical battle going on in my body, I still feel that the ultimate battle is not against flesh and blood, but against sin.  No, I don't believe my cancer is the result of personal sin in my life, but I do believe it is the result of sin in this world.

My medical team has introduced the idea of taking anti-anxiety medications to ease the stress I'm in.  They know my mindset is one that is not comfortable with this, so we are currently in the education stage.  I'm learning more and we'll talk more next month. 

My next scans are October 18 with the followup appointment being October 24.  These scans will reveal if the current treatment plan is working.  Remember, the goal is not to remove the cancer, but to stop it in its tracks.  This is known as stabilization.  If it also causes regression, then all the better. 

"Breast Cancer Awareness Month" (In my eyes, it's more "Breast Cancer Industry Month") is around the corner and quite frankly, it HURTS, HURTS, HURTS!  How am I going to get through this pinkified, pretty ribbon month? Pinktober has never been a favorite of mine and now, I feel lost in a sea of pink.  I refuse to wear a membership pin for the disease that's killing me.  I'll write more about this later in October.

I have thoroughly enjoyed welcoming visiting scholars from China to the Stanford area.  I've been teaching a cultural orientation short course, but getting to know the scholars as well.  They are such a blessing to me!  I have missed doing this type of thing. 

In summary:

  • Praise that overall, I feel good.  Physical side effects are almost gone. I'm living pretty much a "normal" life.
  • Prayer that the mental side effects of both the disease and treatment diminish as well.  I feel very anxious ... I have a a constant knot in my chest. 
  • Prayer that the scans on October 18 will reveal stabilization and no progression. 
  • Prayer for peace among the pink madness that comes with October.
  • Prayer that the visiting scholars from China (many of whom may read this blog) be abundantly blessed.  
Many thanks for walking with me. 


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One year ago today ... 

9/14/2013

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A year ago today was a special day.  It was the day that I received the results of the pathology report for the tumor removed in the September 5 surgery.  Amazingly enough, the tumor was 100% cancer free!  I was told this was an unusual response for the type of cancer I had and I literally wept tears of joy.

As weeks went on, I struggled with how to come to grips with the miracle I had received.  I asked myself the question, "How does one live their life after a miracle?"  The Bible doesn't mention Lazerus after his resurrection, nor does it say anything about the woman who was cured of abnormal bleeding.  What about the servant whose ear was severed at Jesus' arrest?  Jesus' last physical miracle before his crucifixion was to heal the ear, but we have no record of this man's life after the miracle.

I rejoiced at being cancer free, but wondered, "Am I cured because I have a 'greater' purpose?  What am I supposed to do now?"

As I went through radiation treatments October 18 - November 29, I started to experience extreme pain in my neck.  I had fallen towards the end of October and attributed the pain to the fall.  I mentioned it to the radiation oncologist, but he didn't think it was linked to my radiation treatments.

I thought of the possibility that it could be bone mets, but most people dismissed that thought . . . after all, I had just been given a clean bill of health.

Because of tingling in my fingertips, it was generally assumed that I had a herniated or bulging disc in my neck.  I had my follow up appointment with my medical oncologist on December 20 and an MRI was ordered.  Of course, we all know the results of that MRI.

I was not cancer free.  Even one year ago, I was most likely not  cancer free.  The cancer cells were floating around my body, waiting for a place to land and did so with a vengeance in my bones.

So what now?  Did I experience a miracle or not? 

Yes, I did.

Albert Einstein is quoted to have said, "There are only two ways to live your life.  One is as though nothing is a miracle.  The other is as though everything is a miracle."

A year ago, my life was a miracle.  Today, my life remains a miracle.  I do as Augustine of Hippo said, and "Trust the past to God's mercy, the present to God's love and the future to God's providence."

I choose to believe in miracles as I see them all around me.  I experience a miracle each day when I wake up to another day.  Each morning finds me filled with gratitude.

I still ask the question, "What am I supposed to do now?"

"But he’s already made it plain how to live, what to do,
    what God is looking for in men and women.
It’s quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor,
    be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don’t take yourself too seriously--
    take God seriously."   Micah 6:8 (The Message)

I'm grateful that my purpose in life isn't about me, but about God.

And that, my friends, is a miracle.
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    God's Story

    _I believe we all have a story. This blog records my story and how I've lived with breast cancer both as a primary disease and a terminal disease.  I believe this is all a part of God's story for my life. This blog unapologetically includes all areas of my life: my faith, my family and my advocacy for change in the metastatic breast cancer world.

      

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