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Sometimes, I just need to cry

10/21/2013

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This weekend was one of those weekends ... a crying one.  I cried a lot.  (At least it felt like a lot to me!)  I was overwhelmed with sadness more than anything.  Sometimes, it feels that walking in the shadowlands is impossible to do and I get mired down in the grieving process.  This past weekend, my emotions ranged from planning my funeral, to discussing with Art cremation versus burial and if burial, where?  I pondered getting rid of as much as possible so that my family won't have to do so when I'm gone.  I listed off all the projects I want to get done.  I mourned.

And then, I went to sleep.  And as I said in one of my famous classroom dialogues from China, "Sleep is good.  Very good!"

I woke up this morning, feeling very refreshed.  I have an exciting week in front of me with many adventures planned (God willing).  I once again gave my day to God, thanking him that I woke up to another day.  I prayed that he be in my awareness at all times, because as I've said before,

IF I'M NOT DEAD, I'M NOT DONE! 

I have been given life ... an abundant life ... and I have no desire to waste it.  I don't think it was a waste to spend time in tears as I think they were necessary for me.  I don't cry often so the deluge was probably building up for quite some time.

Here's my week:

Monday -- meet with a friend from SoCal to celebrate her run in the Nike Half-Marathon yesterday.  She's with a group of her BFFs and they all so graciously and lovingly welcomed me into their circle.  Amazing women!

Tuesday -- heading to Los Angeles for an interview with two other women from a team I will be a part of for a November 2 Dirty Girl Mud Run.  Our team has been chosen as a feature story and the ABC affiliate in LA is doing the feature.

Wednesday -- a day of rest and catching up on housework, etc.

Thursday -- Doctor day and putting together a treatment plan.  Getting my monthly bone strengthening shot as well.

Friday -- Meeting with some local girlfriends for our monthly gathering.  I'm also taking a group of visiting Chinese scholars at Stanford to a local pumpkin patch that is managed by a friend.

Saturday -- Michael's soccer game and an international student training that I want to attend.

Sunday -- Church services and Rachel's Trunk-or-Treat function.  Both kids have a middle school party to attend after the Trunk-or-Treat event.

See?  I'm not done!  In spite of the worsening cancer, I can honestly say that physically, I'm feeling better than ever!  It's hard to understand how the cancer can be getting worse when I keep feeling less and less pain.  That's one of the questions I have lined up for Thursday.

Never fear, I will be talking to the medical team about how to keep my body on a more even keel.  They introduced the topic to me last month and I promised them I would research and learn so that we could talk more this month.  That will happen as living on the edge is no fun.

Thank you for all your emails and kind notes.  I know it's hard to hear when someone is suffering, either physically or emotionally.  Thank you for just being here for me and letting me be me ... whatever version of me is happening at that time.

We all have limited time left in our lives.  I'm one of those who knows my time is more limited than others.  I want to make God's most of my time and live for his glory.

Amen.

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Changing treatment again

10/19/2013

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Hi Everyone!

I've been on my new treatment for about seven weeks and I've been struggling with the side effects.  I've made it through the bone pain and insomnia but the anxiety and heightened emotions are still with me.  I never know when I'm going to rip someone's throat out or when I'm going to burst into tears unexpectedly.  I'm even having panic attacks, which are pretty unknown entities to me.

Yesterday, I had my quarterly scans ... spinal MRI and full body PET/CT.  I had anxiety issues with the MRI.  I can usually sleep through the MRI in spite of all the noise, but this time, every time the knocking and pounding began, my heart would feel like it was trying to leap out of my chest.  A spinal MRI means you have to breathe shallowly, so I couldn't take deep breaths to calm myself down.  I prayed.  I almost cried.  The technician was very helpful and I made it through without falling apart.

The PET/CT was no problem.

The nurse practitioner called last night with a preliminary report and once again, it's a mixed bag.  The good news is that the cancer is still confined to the bones only.  There is no cancer in distant organs.

The bad news is that it looks as if this treatment plan isn't working.  I have new lesions in my spine (and possibly in my pelvic bone and hip socket) and several worsening lesions.  There are at least two vertebrae (if not more) that no longer have any bone marrow in them. 

I will meet with the oncologist on Thursday to put together a new treatment plan.  It's possible I will need radiation treatment as well as systemic treatment.  I am very disappointed that this treatment isn't working as I desperately wanted to the be the "exception" who would have a many year positive response.

It's been a hard month.  I'm angry, I'm sad and I'm feeling out of control.  Of course, that's all any of us want ... to be in control ... and it's never been more clear to me about how little this is true in my life, especially in this world of cancer.

The voices of the dying are faint ones in the sea of pink.  We're simply too depressing to be noticed among all the celebratory ribbons.

God, grant me peace on this day.  I freely admit that I don't want to die now or anytime soon.  It's not because I don't want to be with you ... I do ... but I want to be with my husband and children as well.  I praise you for my life and may it minute-by-minute, reflect your love.  Be with me even when I'm screaming with rage and remind me every minute that you are the reason I have life to begin with.  Amen.
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    God's Story

    _I believe we all have a story. This blog records my story and how I've lived with breast cancer both as a primary disease and a terminal disease.  I believe this is all a part of God's story for my life. This blog unapologetically includes all areas of my life: my faith, my family and my advocacy for change in the metastatic breast cancer world.

      

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