Art gave me a gemstone cross necklace for my birthday this year. There are many sentiments included in his choice ... the cross is made up of the birthstones of the four of us in our immediate family, as well as one extra stone. When the children were younger, I often looked at ready made "family" jewelry as I didn't really want to get anything custom made. It seems our four stones (garnet, amethyst, peridot and aquamarine (pale blue) were commonly used in jewelry, but almost all pieces had yellow citrine as well. When Rachel was about three years old, she declared that any such jewelry with the yellow stone in it as well was made for our family because that yellow stone was "Baby Cuddles' " birthstone. Baby Cuddles was her beloved doll who was very much a part of our family. The day she made that declaration, we chose November 10 as Baby's birthday and we've had many a celebration on that day.
This cross has all five stones in it. It has two garnet stones rather than just one, which seems appropriate to represent the blood of Jesus. I wear this cross all the time as a symbol of my faith and as a symbol of the love of my family as well.
I woke up in the middle of one night, clutching this cross. No, it's not any kind of "good luck" charm, nor does what I wear around my neck protect me from anything. It's a symbol ... much like a wedding ring is a symbol of love and not love itself. However, I was disturbed and upset that night and to wake up clutching that cross communicated to me that my faith is pretty much all that I have that is constant. I don't understand everything that is happening around me but I have to believe that God's love for me and the world is real because, quite frankly, there's nothing else left to depend upon. Everything else is just temporary.
It's been a difficult week. Bryant died on August 19 and I still find that hard to comprehend. I cry whenever I think of him and I miss him so very much. I was such a small part of his life ... we didn't really know each other very long ... but our friendship was a sweet friendship. Because we had cancer in common, we shared many experiences and our age difference disappeared. (I am 24 years older than Bryant.) One day, as we walked together, I mentioned something about being an adult in the mid-80s and he literally stopped walking and exclaimed, "You were NOT an adult in 1985!" I was 22 in that year and Bryant just laughed and laughed at that. He said that he just didn't think of me as being that much older than him. That's a fun memory for me.
But now he's gone. Forever 27. He never responded well to his cancer treatments and the disease marched relentlessly forward. I'm responding well to treatments and I don't know why. It's hard to enjoy my reasonably good health when Bryant is gone.
And so I both figuratively and literally clutch at the cross. That's all that's left. At the end of the day ... at the end of treatments ... at the end of life ... when all has been stripped away ... there has to be more. There just has to be. This CAN'T be all there is.
I choose to believe there is eternal life. I place my trust at the foot of the cross that all this has meaning and purpose. That no matter how much pain (emotional and physical), that there is more.
I don't have the words or the eloquence to express all that is flooding out of my soul right now. But I will see Bryant again. And Janie. And Debbie. Three beloveds lost in the month of August in different years.
Because there's more than this life.
This cross has all five stones in it. It has two garnet stones rather than just one, which seems appropriate to represent the blood of Jesus. I wear this cross all the time as a symbol of my faith and as a symbol of the love of my family as well.
I woke up in the middle of one night, clutching this cross. No, it's not any kind of "good luck" charm, nor does what I wear around my neck protect me from anything. It's a symbol ... much like a wedding ring is a symbol of love and not love itself. However, I was disturbed and upset that night and to wake up clutching that cross communicated to me that my faith is pretty much all that I have that is constant. I don't understand everything that is happening around me but I have to believe that God's love for me and the world is real because, quite frankly, there's nothing else left to depend upon. Everything else is just temporary.
It's been a difficult week. Bryant died on August 19 and I still find that hard to comprehend. I cry whenever I think of him and I miss him so very much. I was such a small part of his life ... we didn't really know each other very long ... but our friendship was a sweet friendship. Because we had cancer in common, we shared many experiences and our age difference disappeared. (I am 24 years older than Bryant.) One day, as we walked together, I mentioned something about being an adult in the mid-80s and he literally stopped walking and exclaimed, "You were NOT an adult in 1985!" I was 22 in that year and Bryant just laughed and laughed at that. He said that he just didn't think of me as being that much older than him. That's a fun memory for me.
But now he's gone. Forever 27. He never responded well to his cancer treatments and the disease marched relentlessly forward. I'm responding well to treatments and I don't know why. It's hard to enjoy my reasonably good health when Bryant is gone.
And so I both figuratively and literally clutch at the cross. That's all that's left. At the end of the day ... at the end of treatments ... at the end of life ... when all has been stripped away ... there has to be more. There just has to be. This CAN'T be all there is.
I choose to believe there is eternal life. I place my trust at the foot of the cross that all this has meaning and purpose. That no matter how much pain (emotional and physical), that there is more.
I don't have the words or the eloquence to express all that is flooding out of my soul right now. But I will see Bryant again. And Janie. And Debbie. Three beloveds lost in the month of August in different years.
Because there's more than this life.
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