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Surgery scheduled for Tuesday!

3/30/2013

I really appreciate my medical team! They make things happen in a very timely manner.

Last night, I received the call about my estrogen levels moving in the wrong direction. By 9:30 p.m., I had emails out to my gynecologist. By 10:30 this morning, I had talked to her about my case and was on board for her to do the procedure. She was very thorough and had reviewed my file before she talked to me and thinks that a simple ovarian removal is all that's needed. We agreed that the first available opening would be preferable.

The first available surgical opening is TUESDAY, APRIL 2 at 2:30 p.m. at Stanford Hospital. Join me in saying "Praise God!" for such an immediate availability! The procedure should take about an hour and I should be able to leave for home by 6:00. The hardest part will probably be the fact that I won't be able to eat anything after midnight on Monday! (o_o)

Art will be with me. The kids will ride their bikes to and from school, with friends standing by to pick them up in case of rain (not in the forecast for Tuesday).

Recovery time is minimal and if prior abdominal procedures are any indication, I should be back to normal rather quickly. However, we don't wish to take anything for granted and we are asking for this to be covered in prayer.

Specifics to pray for:

Praise for how quickly this is coming together
Guidance for the doctor as she performs the procedure
No complications that result in infection or a conventional open incision
No side effects from anesthesia
Safety and peace of mind for the kids as they go to/from school (Art will call them as soon as I am out of surgery)
That the procedure is successful in shutting down estrogen production in my body

We continue to ask God to extend my life as long as possible. We would love to see a complete eradication of the cancer!

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Upcoming surgery

3/30/2013

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Hi Everyone,

On the outside, breast cancer appears to be simply breast cancer and that all breast cancers are the same. This isn't the case . . . it is supposed that there are about 100 different subsets of breast cancer. This explains why it is so difficult to treat as there's no "one size fits all" answer.

The following is a good explanation of what is known as a "receptor."

"Receptors are specialized protein molecules that can be thought of as
locks on or inside a cell that accept certain proteins and hormones,
among other things. The hormone fits into the receptor like a key into a
lock, sending a signal to tell the tumor cell to grow.

"Estrogen is a generic term for a group of hormones involved in female
sexual maturation. Estrogen is also the most important hormone in
hormone replacement therapy (HRT), the treatment to stave off hot
flashes, brittle bones and other symptoms of menopause. While estrogen
doesn’t cause cells to become cancerous, it does provide the environment
in which cancer cells grow. Provide an environment rich in estrogen,
and these breast tumors with estrogen receptors grow faster and migrate
into surrounding tissue. Cut off the supply of estrogen, and the tumors
starve to death.

"In general, patients with estrogen receptor positive tumors are good
candidates for anti-estrogen therapy, which can shrink tumors in three
out of four patients. These therapies range from Tamoxifen, a drug that
directly blocks the effect of estrogen in breast cancer cells; to
aromatase inhibitors, drugs that stop post-menopausal women from
converting other hormones to estrogen, in effect cleansing the cell
environment of estrogen. Both drugs work well on their own." http://www.coloradocancerblogs.org/collaboration-fingerprinting-breast-cancer/

My cancer is estrogen positive. I have been taking Tamoxifen since Dec 22. I also started receiving Zoladex, an ovarian suppression drug, shortly after my Stage IV diagnosis. It was expected that the Zoladex would definitely force my body into a menopausal state, reducing my estrogen levels to close to zero.

This has not happened. While my estrogen levels are low, they are not low enough. Additionally, they doubled over the past month, indicating that the Zoladex is not able to do its job. While the Tamoxifen is expected to be able to block what estrogen is in my body, the medical team is advising that I have surgery to remove my ovaries.

I am in the process of scheduling an oophorectomy as soon as possible. Ideally, this would happen within the next week, but no later than within the next two weeks.

We ask that you join us in prayer in working out the necessary details. I received this information the evening of Mar 28 and immediately sent out an email to my preferred doctor to do this procedure. I don't expect to hear back from her until next week, though, considering that it's Good Friday.

And it IS a GOOD Friday! In spite of this setback, my confidence remains in the fact that God so loved the world that he sent his son . . . so that I might live. What a gift!

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The end of the beginning

3/27/2013

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I finished writing out the book of Genesis today. I do spend time in some commentaries as well while I’m going through this project, but overall, I’ve been asking God to speak to me through his word. I try to listen as I’m writing and I strive to look at the big picture as well as the details.

I am not what one would call a Bible scholar, nor do I wish to present myself as one. I am merely one woman, longing after God, living one moment at a time. I admit to reading and understanding through my own cultural context, as well as having conflicted feelings reflecting another culture that was a part of my life for so long. I recognize that the Bible was written in yet another cultural context and sometimes, that complicates things for me.

As I went through chapter 49 and wrote out Jacob’s blessings to his sons, several things struck me.

Most of these “blessings” (or prophecies, as most Bible scholars call them) are harsh and seem to be consequences (or rewards) for choices that the sons made in their lives. I can understand that, but here’s what stood out to me.

Jacob did not hide the fact that he considered Joseph to be his favorite son. Joseph’s coat of many colors is a well-known story in most western cultures. In Genesis 42, Jacob once again bemoans the loss of Joseph, declaring that if he loses Joseph’s brother, Benjamin, that he will have lost everything.

Wow. Jacob had twelve sons. To tell the surviving eleven that if he loses the youngest that he’ll have lost everything just seems unloving to me. Did he not love his remaining sons?

How was Jacob present in his children’s lives? What impact did he have on them? Did he have anything to do with them once they were born?

What did he teach them?

Reuben had sex with one of Jacob’s wives. Simeon and Levi had ferocious tempers and murdered an entire troop of men after their sister, Dinah, was raped. Judah had sex with his daughter-in-law, thinking she was a prostitute. Issachar gave up his freedom to work as a slave. All the brothers plotted together to sell Joseph.

What kind of legacy is this?

The choices of the sons aren’t so much what caught my eye. It was Jacob’s presence or lack of presence that drew my attention.

In my opinion, Jacob mourned so much of what he had lost that he could not enjoy what he had left.

In many ways, it seems he abandoned his sons (except for Benjamin) after the loss of Joseph.

What does this have to do with me?

I have bad days. I have days in which I cry over what I have lost. Technically speaking, though, I haven’t lost anything yet I mourn what I’ve lost.

I’ve lost what I used to consider the promise of a long life. Never mind that a long life was never guaranteed to me, but my cultural expectation was that I would have one.

I’ve lost the innocence of words. It’s extremely difficult for me to blithely
sing some hymns at church because the deeper meaning of them pierces me to the core.

One example. There is a song by Hillsong that has this verse/chorus,

“In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out,
Lord, let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out.”

Every time I hear those words, I cringe. Partly because I’m a control freak and I don’t want to give up control. I understand the gist of the words and in spite of my cringe, I do honestly long to be consumed by God.

However, do people understand what it means to be physically consumed by something? I have a disease that will consume my physical body, from the inside out, until my physical body fails and dies. This disease will eat
(consume) my healthy cells and will override what my internal organs are
supposed to do. Cancer will shut me down, unless God miraculously intervenes and prevents this from happening.

The medical team is trying to control the disease, but there are no guarantees. Even if treatments are working now, I’ve been told that they will stop working at some point in time.

I am being consumed from the inside out and it’s a scary thing. Those words, meant to be of such encouragement to an audience, vividly remind me of what’s happening in my physical body.

Another example. The line from Philippians 3:8 that says “all that I hold dear, I count but loss.” (Yes, this was in another song.)

I understand the meaning . . . that Christ is what’s important. That righteousness is of God and not of what we’ve done here on Earth.
However, that line caused me to break down into tears.

I hold my family dear. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my sisters and my brother. I love their families. I love my extended family.   I love my friends.

Quite simply, I don’t want to die.

Yes, I want to be with God, but I don’t want my husband to be a single dad. I don’t want my children to lose their mother. I don’t want my siblings to experience another loss in our family.

The idea of this happening is what I mourn. I grieve over my death even though I haven’t died yet. I am sad because my eleven-year-old son has the maturity to ask, “You’re really dying, aren’t you, Mommy?” This makes me cry because God has given him the ability to understand to a small degree what is going on. This is heartrending to me because, according to me, no child should understand this.

Am I supposed to consider these things and these emotions, “but loss?” Is it wrong for me to hold my relationships dear to me?

I feel there is no escape from death, even while I’m living. Church songs are not a comfort, but constantly remind me of my ever present mortality and the looming presence of my death.

How does this relate to Genesis and Jacob?

As I reflect on Jacob’s involvement with his children, I hear that Jacob was consumed by his grief of losing one child to the point of being absent from his other children. I don’t know if this is true or not . . . but it’s what I’m hearing as I read, study and pray. I am hearing that I should not be so consumed by grief over this disease that I am not present in the lives of those around me. This goes right along with the words I’ve already heard:

“God, what do you want me to do with the time I have left?”

“Love my people.”

“God, what do you mean by ‘Love my people?’ “

“To love someone is to show up in their life.”

It’s okay for me to grieve. It’s okay for me to cry and it’s okay for me to feel overwhelmed. I was advised on Sunday that it’s even okay for me to think that songs and sermons sound hollow in the face of my reality.

I am going to die.

But before that, I am going to live.

I am going to laugh.

I am going to cry.

But most of all, I am going to love.

Because Jesus lives, I can face tomorrow . . . however few or many they may be.

Right now, I am alive. May I continue to be present in the lives around me. May I not abandon them before my time. May my “bad” days be few and may I be real in how I am feeling.

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Spring is here!

3/22/2013

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Hi Everyone,

I have thoroughly been enjoying our first spring back in California. What a gorgeous, sunshiny place we live in! I have yet to tire of sitting in the sunshine, just soaking up the warmth. I like to throw open the windows to let the fresh air in as well. Flowers are everywhere!

My voice is finally close to 100%. I get a few froggies every now and then, but nothing major. Same goes for the cough. Almost completely gone. Unfortunately, I do still have a dull ache in my throat. I've been told this may hang around for quite some time!

I had my monthly appointment with the oncologist this week and they are optimistic that I'm responding well to treatment. They are encouraged that I have no pain and that I'm feeling well. They liked that my tumor marker blood test was reduced by half last month. (However, it has risen a bit this month into the "above normal" range. This makes me a bit anxious, even though my confidence isn't in what these numbers say.)

I will NOT be having a biopsy of the rib lesion. The oncologist took my case before the tumor board and everyone on the board gave a resounding NO to the suggestion. Two reasons for this . . . 1) The lesion was small to begin with and the benefits of a biopsy would not outweigh the possible harm from a procedure and 2) They hope the lesion is no longer there.

My potassium levels are normal again, so I no longer have to take the supplements! I don't miss them! My calcium levels are low, but I started taking all my vitamins again last week, so hopefully, those will improve soon.

Overall, I feel very good. I'm ready to dump the neck brace, but of course, I have to wait for my appointment with the neurosurgeon on April 22. I have started going back to the gym, working out on the elliptical. I've missed exercise!

I will have an MRI of my entire spine on Friday, April 19 and a PET/CT scan of my entire body on Monday, April 22. (We couldn't manage to get all the appointments in one day.) These scans will let us know what the disease is doing.

I emptied my third ink pen today as I'm writing through Genesis. I'm in chapter 43 right now, the middle of Joseph's story. One thing that stood out to me was this --

Joseph was thrown into jail after being falsely accused of attempted rape.

"But there in jail God was still with Joseph: He reached out in kindness to him; he put him on good terms with the head jailer. The head jailer put Joseph in charge of all the prisoners—he ended up managing the whole operation. The head jailer gave Joseph free rein, never even checked on him, because God was with him; whatever he did God made sure it worked out for the best." (Genesis 39:20-23 -- The Message)

Even though God was with Joseph, I can't imagine that jail was ever a comfortable place to be. Later on, as Joseph interacts with the head cup bearer, he refers to the jail as a "hole." (Genesis 40:15 -- The Message)

"But there in jail God
was still with Joseph."

"But there in disease God is still with Vickie."

Stage IV breast cancer is a jail sentence that is a result of "false accusations." (In other words, I did nothing to "deserve" this disease.) It is a hole with lots of emotional slipping and sliding that comes with trying to climb out of the hole. But God is here. He never leaves me, even when I have feelings of despair. He will work all things together for good, even if I can't always see the good.

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Let there be speech!

3/10/2013

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Hello Everyone!

Happy Spring! I know that a lot of you are still buried under snow, but here in our part of California, the sun is shining brightly and the temperatures are rising. The flowers are blooming and it's hard to concentrate on getting work done because I just want to sit in the sun all the time!

My voice is back! Radiation treatments ended two weeks ago last Thursday and my voice started to come back on Wednesday. It's at about a 85-90% rate, so I'm still being a bit careful with how much I'm talking. My throat still has a low-grade ache all the time (improving) so I'm taking steps to protect it.

I started taking all my vitamins again today. I had stopped due to the swelling in my throat. I'm happy to have my vitamin B complex, vitamins C, D and E, my CoQ10, fish oils, magnesium/calcium/zinc and my acidolpholus. I did not start iron again as it seems my anemia is under control. I also started cutting my potassium tablets in half and I'm swallowing them instead of dissolving them now. I've had no problems keeping them down today.

I sent an email to my doctor about the rib biopsy and I received a reply that it was being looked into, but nothing scheduled yet. It's unlikely that it will be in time to have the results by the 19th.

Overall, I'm feeling well. I have mild pain, but probably no more than anyone else my age. I enjoy taking my neck brace off when I'm in bed, so I've been spending more time in that bed, reading and writing! :D

The Bible project is going well. I'm on chapter 30 of Genesis and I'm getting ready to empty my second ink pen. (Chapter 30 may drain it!) I'm enjoying this manner of reading the Bible and I find many little details that I either don't remember or have long forgotten. Did you know/remember that Abraham married again after Sarah's death and went on to have six more sons? (Genesis 25:1-2) Did you know that Abraham must have kept in touch with his son Ishmael (in spite of his banishment) as both Isaac and Ishmael are recorded as burying their father? (Genesis 25:9)

One thing that has stood out to me is that God used very flawed people to do his work. I am still amazed how Abraham consistently wanted to portray Sarah as his sister . . . so much so that Isaac repeated the exact same sin to the exact same king! (Abraham lied to Abimelech, as did Isaac.)

This gives me hope. That as flawed as I am, I can still be used. I constantly fail in my desire to honor God and to follow him. In spite of my fumblings, though, God is still using me. However, I'm starting a small prayer of "Yahweh . . . your way!" throughout my day.

Yes.

Yahweh . . . your way!

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Potassium down the hatch

3/5/2013

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Just a quick update here . . . .

I stopped to talk to the pharmacist who filled the prescription for the potassium supplements. I explained the situation to her about not tolerating them very well and she made some very helpful suggestions.

She recommended that I dissolve the tablet (it's HUGE!) in my low cal gatorade drink (which is about the only type drink I can tolerate right now) and drink it over a half-hour's time frame. I need to eat something at the same time. Since my potassium levels are low, she said that eating potassium rich foods was not going to be enough to restore what's been lost through illness and that it was important for me to take the supplements.

With some mild trepidation this morning, I did what she suggested. No problem! I wasn't quite able to drink the entire gritty mixture, but I'd say I got at least 3/4 of the tablet in me. No queasiness, no vomiting.

The evening supplement was even better as I was able to drink the whole thing down to the almost last grain. (Yuk.) However, once again, no upset stomach and no side effects.

My cough is diminishing, but it is still rather irritating when it does crop up. Slight sore throat. I'm no longer having to take narcotics for pain relief, but still have to take ibuprofen periodically.

I enjoyed meeting a cyber friend who has connections to this area. She and I were diagnosed with Stage III breast cancer at the same time and we were introduced via a mutual friend. What's interesting about this is that our mutual friend lives in Malaysia! At the time of my diagnosis, I was in China and Debby lives in Michigan. She had not heard of my recurrence and our friend in Malaysia told her! After one year of praying for each other, she and I got to meet today. She is now "no evidence of disease" and we praise God for his mighty works in both of our lives.

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The Ups and Downs of a Week

3/2/2013

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I finished radiation on Thursday, Feb 21. The side effects of the treatment included a very sore and dry throat, difficulty swallowing/eating and no voice. The dryness of my throat made me cough a lot.

By the time Monday rolled around, I couldn't keep food down. It was a vicious cycle. I would eat something, but that irritated my throat. The irritation made me cough. The cough triggered a gag reflex which triggered acid reflux which triggered vomiting. Not. fun. at. all.

My blood work revealed that my potassium levels were very low. Prescription supplements were ordered for me. I had actually kept food down for two days prior to getting those supplements, but they made things worse again. One of the side effects is vomiting and that set in for me again . . . worse than before! I stopped the supplements after two days!

I looked up potassium rich foods and I'm not only eating them, I'm keeping them down! Two days now without getting sick, each with three small meals in them! Woo hoo!

My coughing has also diminished quite a bit. My underarm/side pain is going away as well, which indicates it was another side effect of the radiation treatment.

However, I still have no voice. Talking on the phone is very difficult for me, so if you need to reach me, send an email or a text! :D

On to more good news. My blood work also revealed that my tumor markers are now at normal levels and another test that was very high last month is now well within normal as well. (That test reflects bone disease.) From all indications, the current treatment plan is working. The x-rays of my neck shows definite disease regression there due to the radiation, but we're hopeful that these numbers indicate that regression is happening up and down my spine.

Additionally, my kidney and liver numbers are great! Everything is in good working order.

I recently started an interesting project. I've decided to read the Bible by writing it. Yes, I'm copying the Bible into blank books. I'm using the Message version and I'm enjoying the project quite a bit. (I call it my "Bible Project." I was inspired by seeing a handwritten Bible in the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum.)

I emptied my first ink pen today and I'm only on the 19th chapter of Genesis!

Would you like to be a part of this project? You can participate by giving me black ink pens. I'd prefer smooth rolling pens, but not gel pens. Nothing fancy (Bic is fine). By doing this, I can be praying for the giver of the pen while working on the project. (At some point, I'm going to need more blank books, but right now, I have four of them and am still in the first one.)

PRAYER POINTS:

Great praise for the work God has done! His story will continue to be a good story, even if the disease is progressing instead of regressing.

I am supposed to get a biopsy of the lesion in my rib at some point. I'd like to get that on the books as soon as possible.

I would LOVE to be able to talk again!

I would LOVE to be able to taste foods again. The taste buds are healing, but most foods still taste pretty awful.

ONGOING: “Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.” (These are the words of Jesus, as recorded in John 13:34-35. The Message) As I pursue what it means to "love my people," I've been shown that loving someone is to show up in their life. I'm still not sure what that means, but I continue to seek after God for clarification.

Thank you for loving me.

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Surgery scheduled for Tuesday!

Upcoming surgery

The end of the beginning

Spring is here!

Let there be speech!

Potassium down the hatch

The Ups and Downs of a Week

God's Story

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