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Somewhat better, somewhat worse

4/30/2014

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Thank you for your kind and concerned thoughts last week as I struggled through a difficult time.  I'm pleased to say that I'm feeling better physically, probably for the first time in close to a month.  In other words, I'm feeling almost normal, albeit, still fatigued.  As my kids say (and they are only echoing my words), "Mom's always tired!"  They have late start on Wednesdays (don't have to be at school until 9:45) and I normally don't set my alarm on Wednesdays.  However, I *do* normally wake up at a reasonable time!  Today, I woke up when my phone rang at 9:25 a.m.!  I asked the kids why they didn't wake me up, they said it was because I get cranky when they wake me up ... which is true on weekends when I don't have to be somewhere, but not true when I need to get them out the door!  Love my Wenlets!

I had my monthly tumor marker measurement and as expected, the numbers are continuing to rise.  They increased by 50% this past month and are now higher than they have ever been.  We don't know what this means and will continue to monitor as we have been.  It could be that the cancer is progressing or it could mean that the existing cancer is simply releasing more of the protein than it did before.  Intestinal inflammation can also cause an increase in this number.  I will have my normal scans on May 12 which may (or may not) give us more information.

I also spoke briefly to an endocrinologist about my diabetes medications.  I will see him for a full appointment on Tuesday.  His initial reaction was to get me off my current drugs and onto insulin (as I requested) since insulin has no side effects.

A friend's life was celebrated and mourned on Monday as we said goodbye, far too soon.  However, as one friend keeps reminding me, the measure of our lives isn't in the number of years we live.  Bill influenced thousands around him and he will be missed by everyone.

Conversations at his service mentioned the impact he had and how hard it would be to measure up the "bar that Bill set."  Who can be like Bill?

It very suddenly hit me ... God doesn't want any of us to be like Bill.  He created Bill to be Bill and that's who we celebrated ... the unique and wonderful person known as Bill.  God created me to be me and that's who he wants me to be ... Vickie ... a just as loved child of God that Bill is.  I am to set my mind on Christ and be like HIM, not on others around me. 

So I continue living each day, one day at a time, celebrating the miracle that each day is.  I am fortunate to be doing as well as I am.  I will admit to being very glad that I'm feeling better, though!  Feeling sick is no fun and it's hard to keep your focus in the midst of pain.

To end on a funny note ... I had lunch with a friend today and we were sitting in an outdoor patio.  A seemingly homeless man approached each table, asking for money.  As he asked us, we both looked him in the eye and gave our negative responses.  This man looked closely at my gorgeous blond friend and asked her, "Are you married?"  She laughed and said, "No."  He then asked, "Well, do you have a boyfriend?"

My friend and I looked at each other.  Neither of us could believe this was happening.  She replied, "No, I don't have a boyfriend."

The man came back with, "I'm available and you're available ... we should get together."

Seriously?  I stepped into the conversation and said firmly, "She's not looking."  We both repeated these words and he left.

We both held it together until he was out of earshot, but we were both blown away by the encounter.  It was funnier than it sounds on paper, but later, the sadness struck me.  Here was a man asking for money for whatever reason, but made it known that he was available for a relationship, even though, by all appearances, he had nothing to bring to a relationship.  Nothing but himself.  (But available only to my blond friend ... I was chopped liver as far as he was concerned!)

And isn't that all any of us want?  To be known and valued by those around us?  To be loved?

I know I am loved.  All of you show this to me in more ways than you can imagine.  The challenge is on, though.  How can we show love to those who don't seem to be able to offer anything in return?

We simply do it by our actions.  Love is a verb.  It's a "do-something" word.

Let's all "do something" for someone today.
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A somewhat negative post

4/25/2014

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First of all, as far as we know, the cancer is still stable.  I am grateful as I continue to live my daily miracle.

However, I feel terrible.  On April 5, I overexerted myself in an exercise routine to the point where I had to stop due to pain and fatigue.  I went home and took a nap, but ten days later, my body was still aching, my back was still hurting and I still had muscle fatigue.  The medical team ordered an emergency MRI which showed stability and no spinal cord compromise.  But the word came down ... I've got to slow down.  No more running, no more pushing myself beyond my limits.  I need to establish my limits much earlier in the game (rather than waiting for pain to slow me down) and I need to accept the fact that I'm not going to get the old me back.  I did not like hearing this and it has been emotionally difficult for me to process.

Just as I started to feel a bit better (physically), I got hit with a cold.   I don't bounce back from colds like I used to.  My body has to work harder with its lowered white cell count and quite frankly, I've pretty much felt like crap all week long.  I've done nothing but what's necessary each day, sitting on my sofa watching TV most of the rest of the time.  Naps have become a part of my daily routine again.

My stomach, while much better, still hurts.  I dread eating because that means I'll end up having to go to the bathroom.  Without being too graphic, let's just say that bathroom trips are not pleasant.  They hurt the rear.  I have started taking the prescription antacid again, something I forgot I had as I had refilled it, but put it in the drawer, rather than on the counter.

I wake up in the mornings, filled with aches and pains.  My hips hurt, my back hurts and I feel very creaky.  I must start my day with a hot shower as that loosens up my muscles and joints and makes it easier to face the day.  However, with the cold in my system, I generally feel achy all day long, tempted to take showers several times a day.

In the face of all this, I recognize that this may be how I will feel if the cancer progresses.  A physical assault on my physical body is not pleasant.  It's no fun to have difficulty on all fronts ... breathing, eating, pooping, sleeping ... all this makes me a very cranky person.  My kids keep asking me if I'm okay.

No, I'm not okay.

I told two young women today about the cancer (they didn't know) and one of them repeated the often said refrain, "Just remain positive and keep up a good spirit and everything will be okay."

Where did that come from?  No one ever says that to someone with a common cold and we *know* the common cold is going to go away.  It's never said to someone in the face of pneumonia because pneumonia is a scary thing to have.  Why in the world do we say this to someone with cancer?  In the world of cancer, this is known as the "tyranny of positive thinking" and some go as far as to call it bullying the patient.  By telling someone that they need to remain positive, it's putting across the message that it's not okay to feel anything else.

Yes, it's going to be okay, because cancer won't win.  This isn't to say that cancer won't kill me ... because in all likelihood, it will.  However, that doesn't give cancer the victory.  My life wins because of who wins it for me.

Yes, I still have eternal hope in an eternal God.  There simply HAS to be something more than this life of mine here on this planet.  I live with hope, but I cope with uncertainty.  My days are numbered.  I don't know how many days I have left ... I hope there are thousands and thousands of them ... but at times, the uncertainty is incredibly difficult to deal with.

I generally think I'm a mostly positive person.  Nonetheless, when I'm in the face of unrelenting discomfort, the last thing I need to hear is that my attitude will impact any healing (or lack thereof) going on in my body.  Some days, I just need to wallow in my own little pity party and when that happens, I need you to let me wallow.  I'll snap out of it and will be easier to be around once again at some point.

No, I'm not upset with the woman who told me today to "Stay positive."  I know she was shocked by my news and she had incredible love for me to say words she felt were comforting.  She had tears in her eyes as she talked with me.  However, I do wish such cliches didn't exist.

Our church community lost a beloved member this week.  When he was diagnosed with Stage IV prostate cancer, he was told that it was likely he could live another ten years.  He was being treated at the same clinic I am and he and I exchanged emails over the past few months.  He didn't make his ten years ... he's gone in less than three.  My heart grieves for his family and I continue to question why am I doing so well when others are not.

In other words, my cup overflows, even if the cup is cracked and broken.  The superglue is still working, in spite of how I'm feeling. My hope is in the solid rock of Jesus Christ and that is enough.



"But keep the Lord Christ holy in your hearts. Always be ready to answer everyone who asks you to explain about the hope you have." (1 Peter 3:15)
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When it's quiet, it's usually good

4/3/2014

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Picture
It's been a quiet couple of weeks.  No appointments except for the regular blood work, vitals and weight check.  Everything is about the same, although my tumor markers are still rising, albeit, much slower than last time.  Only a 14.5% increase this go round compared to last month's 36% increase.

My stomach is feeling much better after shifting medications around.  May do some additional shifting at my next appointment as I am requesting to be placed on insulin rather than on medications.  We shall see how things go.

The kids and Art are doing great, counting down to the start of spring break on April 14.  The four of us are planning a short trip to Yosemite during their time off.

I participated in another mud run obstacle course in Sacramento on March 22 with a team of eight other women from various walks of my life. You can see by our photo that we had a blast!  If you'd like to join in on the next one, it will be in Pleasanton on October 25.  Please go to http://www.godirtygirl.com and register for the "Oakland" run.  Join the team "No Sister Left Behind" and for the 9:45 a.m. wave.  You can use a discount code MUDGAL10 for a $10 price break. 

I'm halfway through Deuteronomy and I am enjoying it much more than Numbers!  I'm also reading Philip Yancy's book, "The Bible Jesus Read" and it has been very helpful.  The entire theme of Deuteronomy is REMEMBRANCE and it's written at the end of Moses' life.  It's challenged me to remember God's faithfulness in my life and how consistent that faithfulness has been.  God has never been about the "good times" or the "bad times" but about his being God.

He's all good.  That makes my life, in spite of having cancer, good as well.  In fact, I continue to feel as if I'm living a "charmed" life (for lack of a better word), as I know many whose struggles are far more extensive and far more painful than mine.

Living my daily miracle and being grateful for it.
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    God's Story

    _I believe we all have a story. This blog records my story and how I've lived with breast cancer both as a primary disease and a terminal disease.  I believe this is all a part of God's story for my life. This blog unapologetically includes all areas of my life: my faith, my family and my advocacy for change in the metastatic breast cancer world.

      

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