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Turning 51

2/17/2014

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This time last year, I was undergoing radiation to address the cancer in my upper neck that caused a broken vertebrae.  I was newly diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer and to be honest, I did not know if I would be alive for another birthday.

I still don't know that.  I am delighted to still be here and to be feeling so good.  However, to be frank, I don't know if I'll be alive for my next birthday.

I don't say this to be morbid ... it's merely my reality. Right now, there's no reason to believe that cancer will kill me in the next year, but I've seen this disease take very fast and vicious turns that make people's heads spin.  I'm aware of this, but most without cancer are not.

Several people have asked me if I am afraid and I think I can genuinely say that I am not.  Sure, I have bad days, but overall, I am not afraid of death.  In fact, I almost feel as if the weight of uncertainty has been lifted from me.  For many, the years following a primary cancer diagnosis are filled with dread as aches and pains are reviewed as a potential cancer return.  For me, I already know I have cancer and that it's just a matter of time before it takes over.

We all live with the certainty of death.  An opinion piece for the NY Times stated my emotions well:

"I began to realize that coming face to face with my own mortality, in a sense, had changed both nothing and everything. Before my cancer was diagnosed, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. After the diagnosis, I knew that someday I would die, but I didn’t know when. But now I knew it acutely. The problem wasn’t really a scientific one. The fact of death is unsettling. Yet there is no other way to live."  http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/25/opinion/sunday/how-long-have-i-got-left.html?_r=0&module=ArrowsNav&contentCollection=Opinion&action=keypress&region=FixedLeft&pg

I celebrated turning 51 in a quiet way.  I got to sleep in a bit, went to the gym, watched Michael play his last indoor soccer game, hung out in the afternoon and then went out to dinner in the evening.  I was quite tired and went to sleep early, but with a satisfied smile on my face. I enjoyed receiving greetings from every continent and from countless countries, from friends from all walks of my life. God had given me another year and it was good.

It's all good ... even when it doesn't feel that way.  I'm struggling to not sound pithy and cliche when I say God is good because I truly mean it.  God is good, all the time, even when circumstances don't seem to reflect that.  Because I am now a part of a very large cancer community, I sometimes struggle with those who post positive scan results (or positive blood work, or positive surgeries) with the adage, "God is good!"  Yes, he is ... but he is also good when the scan results are poor or the blood work is bad or the surgeries are unsuccessful.  His goodness is not dependent upon our physical circumstances.

So even if I don't make it to my 52nd birthday, God is still good.  He has a plan for my life and my "job" is to live that plan, regardless of the number of days.

Thank you for being a part of his plan.

Amen.
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And the numbers keep going down!

2/5/2014

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On December 30, I wrote how my tumor markers were declining after almost a full year of steady increases.  The clinical trial, in combination with the established drug brought about a decrease of 33%.

The test was repeated this week and there has been another 31% decrease!  To say that we are excited is an understatement. The number is still quite elevated and I still have cancer, but the trend is moving in a favorable direction. 

I continue to feel well, with only an occasional "bad" day every once in a while.  This is usually related to my not eating on schedule. 

I've lost 31 pounds and I'm training for a duathon (speed walking/biking) in early June!  I exercise daily to help with my glucose levels. 

I only have to go into San Francisco twice a month now.  While I didn't mind the frequent trips for the first two months of the trial, I am glad to have more free time.  I've been blessed to spend some of this time with some special people.

As I live my daily miracle, I'm often reminded of the tragedy that exists all around me.  I have two friends going through some difficult times right now and I know of many others whose medical news is not favorable.  Others are still walking in the shadow of death as they grieve the loss of loved ones (I've attended three memorial services in the past six weeks).  There's no "getting over" a death and the path to recovery is a long and difficult one.

I encourage you to remember those in your life who are hurting.  Don't expect them to stop hurting ... simply be there to share the load.  As Sam Gamgee said in The Return of the King, "I can't carry it [the ring] for you, but I can carry you!"  In our friends' lives we may not be able to carry their burdens, but we can carry them.

Look for creative ways to carry another.  Pray and put feet to what God directs you to do.

Love is an action word.  Thank you for all the action you have shown me in these past two years (Yes, I have been living with cancer for two years now!).

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    God's Story

    _I believe we all have a story. This blog records my story and how I've lived with breast cancer both as a primary disease and a terminal disease.  I believe this is all a part of God's story for my life. This blog unapologetically includes all areas of my life: my faith, my family and my advocacy for change in the metastatic breast cancer world.

      

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