In short, last year, I said my goal for 2014 was to live through it. I met that goal. In short, that's my goal for 2015 as well.
It's rather arrogant of me to state this as a goal as it points at "me" as being in control of my life and death. I have no control over this. I lost 11 friends in 2014, most of whom were doing quite well last January 1. They took their medications, followed medical recommendations and died anyway. Their ages ranged from 27 - 74, with the average age being 52.
I will turn 52 in February.
My mother died at age 52 of the same disease ravaging my body.
I have no control. Rather than saying I have a goal to live through the year, I really should be saying that I have the desire to live through the year. And by living, I don't mean just getting through each day. I want to live so that I can continue to love.
I want to love my husband and children and be a teaching presence in my children's lives for as long as possible. I may not be around in their adult lives, so I want to live an adult life that they can remember as being a life of a Jesus follower. I fear I'm sorely lacking when it comes to my driving as I talk sternly to other drivers all the time! That will probably be a laughter memory for the kids ... that and the white gloves I wear while driving as I keep oils on my hands as much as possible.
I started chemotherapy again today after a three week break. While my hands and feet remain cracked and the skin continues to peel like a molting snake (do snakes molt?), they are no longer painful. I'm back to walking daily, although I'm only up to two miles a day instead of the 3-5 that I was used to. Ten days ago, I had to go to the urgent care center to have an abscess beneath my big toenail drained (ouch!) and it has fully healed.
We hosted family Christmas and I enjoyed cooking several meals, ranging from rib roast to chili to fried rice. We had way too much food in the house and I not only fell off the diabetic food plan wagon I am supposed to follow, the wagon rolled completely over me! Today is a new day, though, and I'm serious about my food again. Last year, I didn't get to enjoy any sweets as a result of the medically induced diabetes and this year, I am simply a pre-diabetic who needs to control what she eats. However, I went overboard ... can we say pendulum swing?
2014 was filled with joy and sorrow, loss and gain. My husband and I marked 17 years of marriage, I traveled to/through 18 states, saw multitudes of friends and family, welcomed our son to his teenage years, became a full-fledged cheer mom for our daughter, celebrated our son's outstanding soccer season, saw cancer progression, completed a clinical trial, started a new treatment plan, saw cancer regression, held an old man's hand during his dying moments on a street, attended more funerals and memorial services than ever before in my life, started an advocacy page, received love and support from countless number of people across the globe, and continued with projects in my life.
So as for goals for this year? Besides living and loving? I do have many. I'd like to continue my Bible Writing Project (I'm copying the Bible by hand and am currently in Judges); digitize my decades of journals and essays (my husband lovingly bought me a new computer to tackle this project), get the advocacy website fully functional, do some more knitting (I have several pieces in progress), do some more cross stitch (once more, several works in progress), read, write, sit and simply be.
Yes, I just want to be. While it may seem that I live life at a frantic pace (At times, I feel like I'm trying to live the rest of my life in a truncated time capsule.), I do also enjoy the times of silence and solitude that I desperately crave and enjoy. My walking gives me space to think and process (which is one reason why I like to walk outdoors) and my Bible Writing Project gives me more space to think, pray and simply be with God. I enjoy his company on a daily basis and I listen for his voice in all of what I do.
Flawed as I am, I want to live through this year. While being united with God is a good thing for me, I'd like my departure from this side of eternity to be put off as long as possible. I know what grief feels like and I wish for my family and friends to be spared that pain for as long as possible. It's inevitable ... we all die ... but I feel there is more that God wants me to do before the veil is moved aside for me to see him clearly, face-to-face.