As a result, I read, I ponder, I pray, I yell, I question, I cry, I laugh, I observe, I judge, I fall, I fail, I get back up, I succeed, I hate, I love, I ... do it all. I have far more questions than answers and I'm becoming more comfortable with not knowing. This is hard for me as I'm a personality type that likes to be grounded in fact and knowledge. But this fact remains ... in spite of the stories of "seeing the light," or "coming back from death," no one has died for any length of time and come back to tell us about what's on the other side.
We have resurrection stories ... the most famous (besides Jesus) being that of Lazarus. I've always wondered, though, what was Lazarus' story of his death experience? Did no one ask him what happened in those four days he was dead? Did no one think those four days were worth recording? Did he go into hiding because so many people were in awe of his newly risen, celebrity status? We have no record of his second death.
Most people are uncomfortable talking about death. Here in North America, we moved away from death being a natural part of life and made it a "sanitary" process that happens in hospitals. The hospice movement is changing that and more and more people are choosing to die at home under comfort care.
Frank VanderZwan is a pastor at my church fellowship. He conducted Art's and my wedding ceremony and he baptized our children. He's well known, though, as "the funeral guy." Frank is the one most called to conduct funerals, and has served at over 3,000 of them.
Frank was interviewed for a sermon on "Lessons from a Thousand Funerals" and the response was so overwhelming that he wrote a blog post for it. I'm cutting and pasting the entire blog post so that you don't have to click elsewhere. It's good stuff.
Lessons from 3K Funerals
After the message Lessons from a Thousand Funerals was given, there was much discussion. So many people said “I’ve been there.” “Thank you for talking about this” The phrase that seems to sum up most of the interactions is. “You don’t get over it, you get through it.”
Given that there seemed to be a hunger to talk about this topic, we’ve summarized some of the key points that people find useful so that we can reflect and share as needed.
Be real.
You may be young, you may be strong and healthy. But given the 100% certainty that we are exiting this stage someday, it is worthwhile to acknowledge our transient state. Our view of death will dictate our view of life. Somewhere in our brains, we have to start thinking about this. It will speak to the quality of our lives, the foundation of our lives. How we live day to day, has so much to do with acknowledging the fact we're going to die. There is so much value in life, and life is such a precious gift.
Be authentic.
Don’t pretend its not happening. If you are with someone facing their own mortality, they need real connections. When the time is right, here are two questions I always think you can ask. It can be hard to ask "Are you afraid?" but people will welcome the chance to be honest and say "Yes." (It’s extremely rare when someone is not.)
Be bold.
Having given the gift of talking honestly, it is a natural (if not easy) next step to say "Are you afraid of the process of what is going to happen before you die, or are you afraid of what is going to happen after you die?" The piece before death may not be something you can help with, but the other question is something that we do have insight into.
As noted in the message Sunday, John 14 provides a compelling vision of what comes after. Jesus says, "Don't let your hearts be troubled." or in today’s vernacular, "Hey, guys, don't worry. Don't let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it weren't so, I would have told you. I'm going there to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place, I will come back and bring you with me that you also may be where I am.”
The image of a welcoming friend coming to walk with us into this new place can incredibly comforting no matter the previous faith journey of the person hearing this.
Be generous.
When someone you love is dying (or finds out they are going to die) the most valuable thing you can give them is your time. When we come alongside them, we show how much we value them. Make the time to be there, to bring food, music… something you know they appreciate.
But another way you can generous is to know when to let go. They need to know that you accept that they must, and give them your blessing to do so. It may be the hardest thing for you to give.
In Summary
To be able to walk with someone at this time of their life is to stand on holy ground. To be there and to be open to the Spirit will show you miraculous things. For those who can see this as a way they can use their spiritual gifts, we do offer up the option of exploring Stephen’s Ministry.
We wrap up this post with some wisdom from Sir Paul McCartney’s song The End of the End (written for George Harrison as Paul walked with him through his end.)
At the end of the end
It's the start of a journey to a much better place
And this wasn't bad
So a much better place would have to be special
No need to be sad
On the day that I die, I'd like jokes to be told
And stories of old to be rolled out like carpets
That children have played on and laid on
While listening to stories of old
At the end of the end
It's the start of a journey to a much better place
And a much better place would have to be special
No reason to cry
On the day that I die, I'd like bells to be rung
And songs that were sung to be hung out like blankets
That lovers have played on and laid on
While listening to songs that were sung
At the end of the end
It's the start of a journey to a much better place
And a much better place would have to be special
No reason to cry, no need to be sad
At the end of the end
Amen.
Lessons from 3K Funerals.
Follow Frank on Instagram at @fvanderzwan